it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
