Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
