White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
