the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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