So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
