i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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