U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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