Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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