I accidentally had phone sex last night
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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