I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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