I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
