it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
