After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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