does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Church boner. Awkwardddd
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
