just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
