3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
