Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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