I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
