like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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