You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
