New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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