I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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