you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
