I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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