If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Crop dusting thru forever 21
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
