My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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