also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
