is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How does one acquire holy water?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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