Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
