i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
