Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
