I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
