i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
