I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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