I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
