is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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