My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
