just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
