my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
