It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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