so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
