I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
