we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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