I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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