he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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