Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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