You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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