i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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