I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
