hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We just shotgunned beers for America
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
