So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
