Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
