I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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