Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Randomize
