i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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