So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
