Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
